Ramadhan

It's the month of Ramadhan and i will fast a whole month without skimping...

Shame on me; to declare what i did publicly..
But C'mon havent we all popped unassuming samosas into our mouths during that last eleven minute stretch to ifthar? Havent we?
Well, i have. And not just when i was ten either..

Again, shame on me.

But this time is different.
Yesterday was the first fast of the month and even though yeah i did think of Jeffri's Nasi Ayam and bubble tea too many times, i also did NOT put anything in my mouth.
Furthermore i didnt even lie or imagine myself in promiscous situations... i even missed Ugly betty to recite a few pages from Surah Baqarah!! I'm on target of one chapter from the Quran a day...
Even though i was late for Sahar, i managed to get ifthar and dinner on the table right on the dot. I didnt over-eat.

This is a first ever for me... I've always succumbed to temptation and such steely determination i never thought i possessed...
I guess since i'm head of my own house now it's all different. I dont know why i didnt throw myself into Ramdhan as fully as i have done now, all those years before. To think fasting can actually be fun... It's sort of like my fast evolved into much needed food for my soul.
This new-found efficiency and maturity i hope i carry on to the other months of the year as well. This ramadhan, i have found myself again.. Or at least i have found what i woud like to be like...
And no, it's not that Oprah Winfrey-ish "seek yourself inside out" spirituality crap i am talking about. This is real.


I am enlightened.
I am free.
There IS hope for me

And to think i feel this way with just a day's fasting...

Occasional obsession....

'Occasionally' comes way too often for me.
Like for example, when one would 'occasionally' ponder on his death and what would happen to everything he leaves behind...
Well, as i realized i've been conning myself into thinking it's an occasional thing i do... worrying about what would happen to my daughter should i happen to pass on early... After "occasionally" worrying about it for five days in a row, i now believe its an obsession...

Not that i would like to pass on anytime soon; i mean, i have to do my fair share of good to at least attempt to get into heaven. I would have to apologize to my mother-in-law....
And i have to pay back the tuck-shop aunty for my three samosas, two mirindas and five..no six, Jumbo jolly's.... i have it written down now here, and anyone reading this should do the right thing and inform my husband to pay up on my behalf, so i dont have to linger in front of the Golden (is it golden, or pearly in islam?) Gates and never get to go in!! That's what happens to people who dont pay up their debt, and that would be badddd...

Frankly, frankly frankly frankly i feel the hype about heaven is a bit over-played.... that is a blasphemous thing to say and by God i put that down and deleted it and put it back again....its like "Del...pause; look up to ceiling and be lucky u are not homeless and have ready access to a lightning bolt or something from heaven to easily strike you down... Ctrl + Z"...

I mean the whole sweating without smelling like an onion, and paths of diamonds and precious stones and rivers of sweet tasting liquid and not growing old and looking your best forever(that part i dont mind).... But i guess that's why i am human and God is God...
Maybe our stereotypical imaginations cant look past the whole Charlie and the chocolate factory sets, and paint pictures of candy umbrellas sprouting from the ground and licorice trees, and conjure up something different and refreshing instead..
if i ever get into heaven, and i hope i do because i dont fancy hell, i sure hope there are NONE of those pink swirly lollipops for traffic lights...

I've lost track... Now i am probably going to start obsessing about what heaven really looks like.

So back to the original idea behind this post : what if i die tomorrow? I have just three wishes.

1) I want all of you to cry for me.

2) Husband dearest will obviously play the father figure, but in case he decides to re-marry(and i'd have a few choice words of filth on that waiting when he reaches where i am...heaven preferably), I want my mother to take on bringing up my daughter. I dont want some woman i dont know to be a mother to my child.. I want my husband to take any important decisions on behalf of me, and to seek counsel from my mother if ever he feels confused, because she knows me best and she would know what i would want to be done.

I dont want shared custody between my mother and mother-in-law either. I dont want my mother-in-law taking on my place mostly because :
a) her ideologies and theories i dont believe in.. Mami, Friday the thirteenth isn't a big deal.
b) she has her own daughter and when eventually she has a child by her , my girl will be on the sidelines naturally, as she will have to be a grandmother to that kid as well...

Of course my girl can visit and stay over at my mother-in-law's place if she likes, but she must NOT be forced to stay over for lengthy periods of time because she is not a Gypsy and cannot have more than one home. I want her to have a stable life. I also do NOT want her to visit various saints, dead or alive, who claim to have visionary foresight. I want her to respect them for being leaders but not indulge in their lime-cutting escapades to ward off evil eyes or whatever...
I want her to follow her heart, conscience and most importantly, common sense. I want her to be practical and sensible in following religion and i dont want her to succumb to any innovations out of what is already stated in the Quran and the sunnah.

I want her to her to be taught and guided ONLY till she comes of age and till she can fend for herself and think for herself. When she is capable of fending for herself she can do whatever she likes.

3) I want whoever who knows me and who has read this post to pass on this message in case i do go ahead and kick the bucket... And since the only one who reads my blog is Nimra, you know what to do babez!! :)